Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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