It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
