accomplished twins. life is a go
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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