note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
