My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
