he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
