It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
