i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
