Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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