Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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