did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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