I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
