i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
