The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
