Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
