im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
