my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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