You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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