I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
