if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
