i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
