I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
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We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
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You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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