Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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