did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
