Too much gin, very little bucket
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
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