The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
