I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
