I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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