i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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