when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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