I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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