the new term for farting is butt boxing.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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