I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
