I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
