I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
