He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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