You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
