I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I want her autograph on my taint
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
