I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
A bitchslap is in order.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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