I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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