FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
