I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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