brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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