My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
