my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She bit a glass in half.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
