1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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