if only i could text you this smell
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
