if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
