Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
