Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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