There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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